So, is this what I'm supposed to do? After going through a total dry spell of writing, losing my most thoughtful and dear to me journal with all my best ideas, I thought I would give it a try. Plus, I was being stubborn when I couldn't find it. What the fuck, get it together and write some new shit. It's been five years. So this is what I'm doing. Just today, and lately, I have had SO many thoughts that I thought, hell, maybe that wasn't even my best. Maybe my best is yet to come. Hm, I wonder how many other cliché quotes I can fit into this blog over the course of one year. That’s right, one WHOLE year that I know for a fact, starting today is going to be either the best or worse decisions I will make in my life. But, being only 23, my "life" hasn't been that long anyway, so I'd like to see what else can happen. I think I realized today my crush that I have been going crazy about for the longest time isn't all that great. And guess what? He’s not crazy about me. Moving on, I saw my old roommates this weekend as well. I hate them so much, that I am positive if I was given the chance I would cause them deep physical harm despite my blood and pain phobia. This also made me think of something else... all the times I’ve read, or been told, I need to "forgive and forget" and "be the bigger person" and whatnot. Do I forgive them? No. Will I forget? Absolutely not. Should I be the bigger person and say hi? Well, this part seemed easy. Saying hi to them would add nothing to my life, and would not make me feel better even though online quotes promise it will. I think, the most mature thing to do with people you don't like is to not acknowledge them. Don’t waste your time, don't act fake, and you know anything that comes out of your mouth, will just be a story for them to tell over and over again to their stupid friends and their stupid families. Don’t even waste any energy reverting your eyes or face to look at them. And if they come up to YOU to say hi, just say "were not friends, you are lower than smeared dog shit to me, FUCK OFF". Anyway, moving on. What I’m saying is, just because something bad happened with someone, you don't have to become an angelic robot and pretend nothing happened. It did. You’re allowed to have hateful feelings towards someone. I don't think you have to forgive. Just.... don't carry around that negative energy with you. Acknowledge how they made you feel and let it go.
Sometimes I have a hard time differentiating what I do things for. I have to think, is this something I would do? Or am I doing it because I think the opposite sex will find me more attractive? Or... if I like someone, and know their previous ex, sometimes I'll think, well they liked them, so maybe if I do what they did (bartend, model, study law, do crossfit, etc.) they will like me too! Getting this down in writing upsets me. Just.... no. no no no. I should know better than anyone that I like all different guys, all different cultures and backgrounds, and all shapes and sizes. I have never liked someone because I thought "wow, they remind me SO much of Jake". I'm not with Jake anymore, so why would I want someone JUST LIKE HIM. Who I like is usually solely based on how they make me feel and what kind of person they are, and if their person meshes well with my person. I want someone to like me, only me, and all of me. I've yet to find a guy to even try. And this is fine! I think in our day and age where technology and the example of what is "beautiful" is splattered across the internet, and on billboards, in movies, commercials, TV.... its described in books and in magazines, listing in detail how you can transform yourself to look like THIS. BOOM. I mean, hell I'm even hooked. I know if I put in the money, time, and effort I could come pretty darn close to what society thinks is beautiful. My hair could be longer, my skin can be tanner, my stomach flatter... and don't forget the makeup! I can contour every day to make my nose look smaller and my cheeks even higher, my lips bigger and my chin more narrow. But what message would I be sending to.... myself? I think I would scare myself every time I took off my makeup. This does NOT mean it’s not ok to do. Some people find a genuine art and passion in makeup, and it DOES make you look beautiful. And if something makes you happy, GO FOR IT. Just do it for the right reasons. I don't feel human when I can’t recognize myself, so I use makeup to just accentuate my features.
So many articles online are so..... Boring. Telling women the 30 things to do before you’re 30, or 30 things you CANT do anymore at 30... Or 30 reasons why being single is awesome and 30 reasons why it’s not awesome! I mean, come on! Why can’t it be both?! Here’s a rough estimate of what my timeline should look like coming out of the upper middle class suburbs of South Florida. This is by no means a bad thing and I know plenty of people doing it and are perfectly happy, and if I found the right person, I'd probably be doing the same thing. That's just not what "life" had in store for me. Id graduate college with my boyfriend of 1-4 years, we may or may not invest in a postgrad education, we would get a nice apartment downtown somewhere so we can get beers with friends now and then, and we would be planning a wedding sometime in the next 1-2 years. I’d get pregnant, and we would start looking at family and school zone friendly neighborhoods that look like they still like to do trick or treating. But, alas, I am alone. Really though, I’m my favorite person. I always have the same interests as myself, so doing things alone is easy. Want to go see that movie? Want to go eat that thing you love right now at that restaurant? Want to go to that country you've never been to? Sure. I'm always down. I'm very lucky I’m secure in myself that I don't need constant approval from someone else to tell me I’m beautiful, amazing, talented, brave, sexy, or whatever else you might not say to yourself when you look in the mirror. I don't say this in a mocking way. Yes, of course it would be nice to hear it from someone else too, but there is a difference between want and need. I’m only 23. I’m still learning who I am and what I want to be and what I like and what I don't. Staying in and watching a movie while eating a whole Domino’s pizza, yes. This genuinely makes me happy and I almost never feel guilty about it. Going to a club I know I don’t like, dressed mildly slutty and crossing my fingers an ex will be there and I can make out with someone in front of him. Or maybe just make out with him. NO. This would never make me feel better. I don’t think I’ve ever succeeded in doing this, but I’ve tried. I have a pretty good moral compass and male intuition in risky situations, thank goodness. See? I’m learning. But being confident sure does help on this path. Sometimes I have to make very hard decisions. I've walked away from opportunities. I've let people down before. I've been a bad friend and bad daughter at times too. Most of all, I’m in the most selfish years of my life. My parents are bankrupt. My mom has breast cancer. They will probably get divorced. My mind just races everyday saying GO GO GO. Everyday... for a few YEARS now. But for obvious reasons, my feet will be planted firmly in America until I can’t take it anymore and my thoughts just totally consume me and I’ll just move, like I’m moving in a month. But that’s to talk about another time.
And when does it stop? How many experiences do I need to have, how many places do I need to visit, how many people do I have to meet to put my anxieties at bay? I just want to wrap the world around myself with both hands. I want it all. I want to see all the colors, all the food, all the hot spots. Every garden, every pub, every lake, every forest, every sunrise, every sunset, on every tall building or small village in the whole world. I want to walk the earth like a nomad, not a care in the world, no phone to call a friend, no mirror to see myself, no one to depend on but myself. Learn a new language. Experience some extreme weather. Climb something. And when I come back, then I’ll be ready to settle down. With a clear mind and body. Ill appreciates things more. Not posting things on Facebook so person a, b, and c that I’m into can see and think I’m so cool and pretty. (Actually, going to delete people and all my selfies right now). FUCK SELFIES, by the way. Anyway, I want to find someone who can fit into both circles, of family and friend. and understand and appreciate me the way I understand and appreciate myself. So yes I’m miserably alone in the sense I miss having sex, good sex. This isn’t hard to come by, anyone can have sex and there are single people all over the place willing and able. However, I’ve never been into the thought of letting strangers into my personal home and space. And I’m sick of the surprises you find when you’re putting yourself in their personal space. Seriously, I’m more freaked out about seeing each other’s homes than each other’s bodies. And no, this does not mean a car/beach/alley way/your grandmothers basement will suffice. I’m just going to wait it out, whatever. If I’m meant to go through life alone if no one measures up, I won’t really be surprised. It will be sad to not share experiences with a spouse or reproduce, but a “significant” other does not need to be a husband or even a male, and dogs work just fine. There are so many things to say and I just don’t know if I’m saying it right… there’s this huge stigma that women meet men and want to settle down. Or, there’s this impending “future” planned between two people that makes relationships progress towards, oh fuck, marriage. Why can’t relationships just be built around happiness? Isn’t that life, the freedom to go chase our happiness? Why can’t it just be that moment? Why did you think for two seconds that I thought anything more than “I love hanging out with this person, they make me so happy”. Get over yourself. When I want to talk about marriage, I will. Just because I’m the women doesn’t mean I want to automatically reproduce with you. For god’s sake, I don’t even know if you have good genes. I’m sure men think the same thing (or they should). Just because you’re a guy, I don’t think you don’t have feelings. So don’t act like you don’t have any. It’s not cool. Ok, that’s it for rant number one. I’m going to the gym and making a smoothie because it makes me feel healthy and radiant. Also, I’ll sleep better than taking a Xanax to put my mind at ease every night.
